How many times have you discussed child rearing with a friend who recommended a book to help navigate a problem? If you’re anything like me, you’re a parent with wonderful intentions, and a stack of unread parenting books on the night table.
I have books on everything from sleeping to discipline to making boys into men– all collecting dust. But recently I reviewed a book for the Associated Press that I promise is worth your time.
“The Secrets of Happy Families” is easy to read and offers clear, useful suggestions for eliminating some of the stress of modern parenting. Best-selling author, Bruce Feiler (he wrote “Walking the Bible” and “Council of Dads”) is known for researching complicated topics and making them understandable and relatable.
He’s also a husband and father of two, so he has a vested interest in creating a successful playbook for happy families.
Feiler read hundreds of books by so-called “experts,” only to realize that their advice was outdated and not applicable to families in the real world. So instead, he goes to people at the top of their game in business, technology, sports, and the military who offer innovative ideas that succeed at work and at home.
In the chapter on managing money, Feiler speaks to one of Warren Buffet’s finance guys about how much allowance is appropriate for kids. He visits ESPN to talk about the best way to parent kid athletes, and he chats with the techies at Zynga– the huge gaming company that brought you Farmville and Mafia Wars– about the best ways to amuse kids in an airport or long car trip. In the section on fighting smarter, he consults Harvard negotiation gurus who broker mideast peace talks and applies it to a recurring argument with his wife.
He also sits down with several families that have tested strategies to control the chaos. Imagine getting through your morning routine or dinner/activities crunch without feeling like you’ve survived a war!
Bruce Feiler is the author.
What I liked most about the book is Feiler’s voice. He writes candidly about the realities of family life, even when it’s not pretty. He shares stories about his own wife and children as they play guinea pig for the methods in the book. Never talking down to the reader, he writes with humor and honesty that resonates.
Feiler doesn’t pretend to solve every problem in his pursuit of happiness. He offers concrete suggestions for streamlining family life and reminds parents that– like anything worth having– a happy family takes work.
I’m glad this book wasn’t left to wither away on my shelf like so many others. I’m making Wilson read it next so we can work as a team to implement some of the suggestions. Now we have new tools to work towards serenity in the home.
Just yelling less in the morning would be nice.
You can read the full review of “Secrets of Happy Families” here.
carpool candy 
My kid’s obsessed with Instagram
My oldest son, Jacob, has only been a teenager for a few weeks, yet we’re already arguing about his use of technology.
You may recall a few months ago I posted about him begging me for a smart phone and a Facebook page. My feeling– backed up by Wilson- is that I don’t want to incur the extra cost of a smart phone and its maintenance, and I don’t want him having access to the internet whenever he feels like it. That can only lead to trouble.
I’m not naive enough to think these privileges aren’t going to happen in the near future, but I’d like to hold out as long as possible. Every day he’s learning and maturing and hopefully when I’m forced to give in, he will have that much more smarts to make the right decisions.
13 is a significant birthday and for Jews, becoming a bar mitzvah– which Jacob will do next month– is a big deal. So his grandparents wanted to get him a special gift and suggested an iPad mini.
At first I balked, thinking it was too much. But then I realized that we would not spend the money on a tech luxury like that for him right now and he would probably love it.
It’s been life changing.
One the plus side, it’s made Jacob more independent and self-sufficient. He had more apps on that thing in 2 days than I’ve ever had, on all my devices combined. He has it set up so he gets the weather (no more barging into my room to see the forecast every morning,) his favorite sports teams scores (no need for computer time instead of eating breakfast,) and his own camera.
He never cared much for a camera before but now he needs it to post on Instagram. Before I knew it, he was signed up and posting pix on Instagram almost hourly.
At first, I was concerned. I’m not on Instagram and didn’t know how to use it. I had banned him from Facebook and Google Plus but now, without even discussing it, he was right in the Insta-mix, gathering likes and friends like a magnet in a nail factory.
He spends hours every week making photo collages, scrolling through friends’ feeds and commenting on comments of pictures. I’m told his interest will wane after the novelty wears off, but he’s a social animal so I can see this becoming a powerful habit.
This is why I didn’t want him to have a smart phone. The lack of control and the complete abandon with which he jumped into the social media landscape makes me uncomfortable.
But then he was so happy to be part of the conversation, he told me he no longer needed a fancy phone. I realized that the iPad was the best short term compromise, because he has the social engagement and internet access he wants, but only at home (he doesn’t have 3G so can only use it with wifi) where its use can be monitored. He doesn’t take it to school or sports so the chances it gets damaged, lost, or stolen are slim.
What I didn’t count on was the obsessive use. Unless we take it away, the kid is clutching that device from the moment he wakes up until it falls out of his grip when he’s overcome by sleep at night. In addition to Instagram, he’s streaming TV shows, playing games, and Googling most thoughts that enter his head.
Ick.
Welcome to modern parenting: limiting screen time and helping kids understand the importance of electronic-free activities. Jacob is a great student who does his homework before play time, and a busy athlete with many practices and games. When with his gang of boys after school, they often play sports outside, but our recent freezing, snowy weather has encouraged more inside activities, and TV and video games are too tempting.
Last weekend our family drove into Manhattan for the day and the kids played on iPads during the 30 minute trip in. But on the way home, there was an uproar when we took them away.
“Look out the window! See the world! Listen to the radio! Let your mind wander!” I yelled from the front seat as Jacob rolled his eyes and grunted. He managed to get through the ride but asked for the iPad as soon as we got home. We refused.
It’s a battle we’ll be fighting for the rest of time.
So I had a problem– Jacob wanted a smart phone– that I thought I solved when he got an iPad…but that created a new problem. He’s only 13, and my first of three kids to go through technology adjustments and teen angst.
I better buckle up.
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Posted in Joys of Parenting, Modern Life, Social Media
Tagged instagram teen use, ipad mini for teens, kid obsessed with instagram, kids and social media, kids commenting on instagram, kids liking instagram pictures, kids making instagram collages, kids obsessed with social media, kids too much screen time, limiting kids screen time, parenting and technology, parents limiting kids screen time