Category Archives: Modern Life

The desensitizing effect of a smart phone

Posted on January 19, 2014 | 20 comments

I was walking from work to the train station in Manhattan last week when I passed the aftermath of a horrible car accident. Sixth Avenue was blocked off from 41st to 42nd, cops were everywhere, and ambulance sirens wailed in the background as they tried to get through rush hour traffic.

The street was marked with yellow tape and scores of people lined the sidewalks, gawking at an overturned car. It was a mangled black Cadillac SUV perched upside down on its dented roof right in front of Bryant Park.

I heard onlookers saying the car was going too fast and hit a bus when it turned onto 6th. The news junkie in me instinctively whipped out my phone to take a photo. I was trying to get a good angle when I saw a stiff plastic bag hanging out of a back window.

There were murmurs among the crowd that there was a body inside the bag, and there could be other dead passengers in the wreckage. I found out later the driver was the only person in the car when it crashed, and the 44-year-old male victim had a heart attack and was pronounced dead at the hospital. (For more details on the crash click here.)

I later discovered that what we thought was a body was actually the airbags sticking out of the shattered car windows. But even when we all believed we could be staring at as many as three dead bodies, almost every person on the street was snapping pictures with a smart phone.

Why?

To have evidence when recounting the story to friends? To send to a news site? To post it on Reddit, Twitter, Instagram or Facebook?

As I stood there gaping at the grim scene, I felt sorry for the victim… and sorry for where we are as a culture. It’s difficult for some of us to experience life’s impactful moments these days without resisting the need to document and share them.

Was it the great emotional jolt of the moment? Or the “I was there when it happened” cache? Or the peer pressure to capture it because everyone else is?

I sheepishly walked away feeling guilt and regret for not being able to resist photographing someone else’s tragedy.

This is the age we live in.

Anyone younger than 25 won’t even question the impulse to record every moving moment, even if the moment itself is interrupted or sacrificed in order to capture it.

But for old fogies like me, it still feels unnatural and wrong.

Apparently not wrong enough. There I was, one of a hundred minions taking a picture. And here I am sharing it with you.

If I’m using the photo to make a point, is it acceptable? I’m not sure.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

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Posted in In the News, Modern Life, Social Media

Tagged do smartphones desensitize us from tragedy, documenting tragedy on smartphone, Manhattan fatal car crash photo, posting photos of bad news, smartphone photos capture tragedy

Wanna read more in 2014? Get your best books here

Posted on January 5, 2014 | 3 comments

Happy new year! Hope your holidays were swell.

I set out to write a blog about resolutions, but when I went back to last year’s January blog, I realized I haven’t kept ANY of the seven I made last year! No joke, it was an epic resolution fail.

But I was a little nuts to expect I would get one or two– much less all — of those goals achieved in one busy year.

Sleep more?? Never. Write a screenplay and a New York Times essay? Stuff of fiction! Get more facials? Who has the time?

So this year I’ve decided to keep it simple. No more lofty dreams. I’m going to try to drink a half-gallon of water a day, and read more.

I’ve been toting around one of my boys’ fancy water bottles that keeps it icy cold, and I admit drinking more H2O does fill me up. Often I eat because I’m bored or restless, and though I might want food, a drink of water is all I need.

So far so good on the agua. Now for the books.

I read a lot for work and I’m in two book clubs (don’t ask!) so that leaves me little time to read books I choose myself. But I also blame TV and the internet. (Every time I get sucked into reading Facebook crap for 20 minutes, I curse Mark Zuckerberg for providing another distraction I don’t need.)

I have no self-discipline at bedtime and often stay up waaaay too late surfing the web and/or cable channels when I could be enriching my mind with a book. If I’m cozy in bed reading, I’ll fall asleep earlier too so that’s a bonus.

Reading more makes a lot of sense, which is probably why it won’t last past, say, January 24th. I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

I also want to read to my kids more. When they were little, I loved reading time under the covers. But that’s when books were blissfully short and uncomplicated.

Now they’re into chapter books and you have to pay more attention to the characters and plot. You can’t pick up a chapter book after 4-5 days and get right back into the story, without rereading a few pages each time. Plus, my kids go to bed so late now, by the time they settle down to read I’m spent.

But I miss it.

They read plenty on their own, but for Aden, 10, and Eli, 8, I don’t have much time left before they’ll find reading with me annoying and babyish so I can’t squander this time, when they love reading together as much as I do.

We just started a new book by our favorite children’s author, Kate DiCamillo, called Flora and Ulysses. I highly recommend it for kids from ages 6 to 12. Aden, Eli, and I are all drawn in by DiCamillo’s unique storytelling, so we’re off to a good start.

A glance at some “Best Books of 2013” lists got me excited to keep my promise to myself. Last January, I wrote a post about books and devoured a bunch that were on my list. Fiction favorites include The Orphan Master’s Son, Yellow Birds, and the stellar, cheeky Where’d You Go Bernadette? Pick those up if you haven’t already.

The New York Times put out its list here, including The Goldfinch, which is at the top of my must-reads. The Huffington Post’s list had some interesting fiction here. JK Rowling’s novel (under a pseudonym) The Cuckoo’s Calling and Dave Eggers’, The Circle look like good ones.

And for bookworms who think last year’s best are so 5 minutes ago, Flavorwire has a list of the most anticipated titles of 2014 right here.

So… reading and drinking water… seems manageable. Also sounds like things I’d do in prison, but that’s beside the point.

What’s on your resolution list? What books are keeping you up late? Please share in the comments!

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Posted in Book Reviews, Modern Life

Tagged best book for girls 6 to 12, best book for kids ages 6 to 12, best books blog, best books for women 2013, best novels 2013 list, best pop culture blog, book club suggestions 2014, book recommendations blog, drink more water in new year, Flora and Ulysses review, great books for boys 6 to 12, Kate Dicamilo flora and Ulysses, lists of best books of 2013, new year's resolutions blog 2014, read more in new year resolution, The Goldfinch most recommended book 2013, what to read on vacation 2014

NYC holiday window tour, a less than perfect tradition

Posted on December 29, 2013 | 1 comment

In the late afternoon of Christmas Eve, I had the magical notion of taking my delightful children (ages 8, 10, and 13) on the train to Manhattan to see the retail holiday windows and the giant tree at Rockefeller Center.

Although I love the idea of strolling down 5th Avenue at Christmas time and soaking in the creative opulence of the fanciest stores on earth, my boys could care less. So I did what any resourceful mother would do, and enticed them with a sushi dinner following our window walk.

In my version of the afternoon, we would run from window to window, sharing the excitement of being in New York for the holiday. The thousands of people jamming the sidewalks had flown or drove from all over the country– and the world– to experience Christmas in New York, I told them earnestly.

They were not impressed.

As soon as we emerged from the subway, the complaints began. They were cold, tired, and annoyed by the crowds of gawkers who also had the brilliant idea of cramming 5th Avenue on Christmas Eve.

I was disappointed, but not completely surprised by their indifference. But I wasn’t going to let those three Scrooges dampen my holiday spirit! I yanked their little hands through those giddy mobs of rubberneckers from 60th and Madison to Times Square, clicking as many pictures as possible, and ignoring their protests.

It didn’t help that the windows were a bit of a bust this year.

We started at Barneys on Madison. For years, the Barneys holiday windows were my favorite by far. They were edgy, fantastical, irreverent, and chic all at once.

Check out these gems from 2010:

This year, the store collaborated with rapper Jay Z to produce four futuristic scenes that were shiny and modern, but a complete snore.

Barneys holiday windows 2013 on carpoolcandy.com

Santa’s 21st century sleigh

There was a light show and a crazy tricked-out sports vehicle that was supposed to be Santa’s sleigh, but it just didn’t work for me at all.

So we soldiered on to Bergdorf Goodman, which got the best artistic design award of the evening, but was not as inventive as years past.

Bergdorf Goodman holiday windows 2013 on carpoolcandy.com

July 4th

April Fool’s Day

The theme was magical holidays.

Bergdorg Goodman holiday windows 2013 on carpoolcandy.com

Arbor Day

Valentine’s Day was the highlight, with amazing attention to detail and color scheme.

Next up, the jewel-encrusted Bulgari windows. Classy, bold, and serpentine, which the boys liked.

The Henri Bendel windows were a pleasant surprise. They’re a tribute to famous cartoonist and New Yorker Al Hirschfeld.

New York notables, including Liza Minelli, Bernadette Peters, Carol Channing, Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, Woody Allen, and Audrey Hepburn were among those immortalized.

We made our way to Saks on 50th and 5th. More kid-friendly, the store’s whole block of windows told the story of a winter yeti who leaves home to discover the world and ends up in New York. Kind of random, but at least they tried.

By now the whining was reaching a crescendo so I relented and said we would head towards the restaurant…but purposefully passed the Rockefeller tree on the way. There were just a few other people there too.

Then we headed straight for Haru on 43rd and Broadway, where we met some friends and melted into our seats for sushi. The whole sojourn lasted maybe an hour but the struggle to wade through the sea of people in the midtown cold made us feel like we had walked to the North Pole. Nothing a vodka martini and three Shirley Temples couldn’t fix.

It was not the evening I imagined, but I’m glad we did it and I’d probably do it again. But don’t tell the kids. I’m hoping they’ll block all the bad parts out and only remember the sushi by next year.

If you want to see even more windows, click here and here.

Hope you’re enjoying some rest and family togetherness this holiday week. Wishing you peace, love and adventure in the new year. Happy holidays!

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Posted in I'm a Sap, Modern Life, Travel

Tagged 5th Avenue holiday windows, Barneys and Jay Z holiday windows, Barneys holiday windows, Bendel holiday windows, Bergdorf Goodman holiday windows, best holiday windows in New York, best windows NYC 2013, Bulgari holiday window, Christmas Eve in NYC, giant tree New York City, Giant tree NYC, New York 5th Avenue windows, New York City holiday retail windows, NYC holiday windows 2013, Rockefeller Center tree with kids NYC, Saks holiday windows, taking kids to see holiday windows NYC, what to do with kids in New York on Christmas Eve

I’m a Jew who loves Christmas

Posted on December 22, 2013 | 7 comments

As I may have mentioned, my mother is Jewish and my father was Episcopalian. For a kid, it was the best case scenario: we observed all cultural holidays, but I had no religious education whatsoever.

As an adult, I felt a bit cheated.

Not only do I know nada about the Bible, I often feel lost during religious services because I have no frame of reference. As a child, it was cool to get presents for Hanukkah and Christmas, and search for the hidden Passover matzoh and hunt for Easter eggs.

In my 20’s, I decided I wanted a bit of religion in my life and felt most comfortable with Jewish traditions. I slowly began to learn about half of my religious heritage by attending services a few times a year and celebrating holidays with more observant friends.

Wilson grew up as a conservative Jew and became a bar mitzvah so he knows his prayers and religious background. When we married, we made a conscious decision to raise our kids (now 8, 10, and 13) with a Jewish education.

I’ve never wavered on that choice — in fact I’ve never felt more certain it was right than when my oldest son, Jacob, became a bar mitzvah this year. Our boys’ Hebrew school experience has helped them build a sense of self, and enriched their lives in ways they can’t appreciate now, but will understand more as they mature.

They’re learning the history of our religion and people, and taking pride in their Jewish identity. While I’d like to think I could have taught my kids to perform “tzedakah” which translates to “righteous behavior” and charitable giving, I know they’re getting that message every week at Hebrew school.

They’re part of a community– something larger than themselves– which gives them a sense of belonging, and will help them understand their place in the world.

When I hear them saying Hebrew prayers in synagogue, singing Jewish songs, or excited about doing good deeds, I envy them.

I feel good about our choice to honor Jewish traditions. But every year around this time, a wave of nostalgia sweeps over me and I miss Christmas.

Back in the day, my father was a bit of a Christmas junkie. He made a big deal about picking the best tree — had to be a Douglas Fir– and although I hated standing in the cold picking out the one that was least crooked with the most branches, I loved the smell of the pine needles that took over our car and apartment.

Christmas 1977

Decorating the tree was a ceremonial experience. As Andy Williams crooned Christmas songs in the background, my parents argued over lights and ornament placement. My dad wore plaid pants and a turtleneck, and we drank eggnog with cinnamon as we worked.

That year’s loot: Shaun Cassidy album and poster, dollhouse, Snoopy bank.

My parents often hosted a party with honey-baked ham and a variety of homemade cookies my mother baked with care. On Christmas morning, all our presents from Santa were unwrapped and creatively displayed in our living room, our stockings filled with candy and trinkets. My brother and I worried that Santa and his reindeer wouldn’t be able to land on our apartment balcony, so we were always thrilled to see they had eaten the cookies and sugar cubes we left them.

Good times.

Wilson doesn’t feel comfortable having a tree at home, but I make up for it in my own way. Holiday lights twinkle around our windows and my childhood Christmas decorations nestle closely to the dozen menorahs and the kids’ homemade Stars of David we’ve collected over the years.

Every year around this time, my boys help me make dozens of cookies to give to friends and teachers, and we spend an evening shopping and wrapping presents for a needy local family who can’t afford them.

On Christmas Eve we drive to Manhattan to see the Rockefeller Center tree and the retail windows on 5th Avenue. Then we eat out– last year it was a traditional sushi meal– and enjoy the unusually quiet streets. On Christmas Day we go to the Knicks game and hot dogs replace honey-baked ham.

For a few years, I mourned my old, conventional Christmas traditions. But my kids love the holiday, so I’ve embraced it too, even if we don’t mark it the way I did as a kid.

Celebrating Christmas has never been about religion for my family.

I’ve realized it doesn’t matter if it’s hanging ornaments or cheering a slam-dunk, traditions are about being together and sharing an experience. I hope my kids look back on all their childhood traditions with the same fondness I feel for mine.

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Posted in I'm a Sap, Joys of Parenting, Modern Life

Tagged best family life blog, can Jews have Christmas tree, Christmas traditions blog, inclusive Christmas, interfaith Christmas traditions, interfaith couple celebrating holiday, Jews celebrating Christmas, Jews observe Christmas, Jews who love Christmas, Knicks game on Christmas, mixed religion holiday celebration, non traditional Christmas celebration, NYC Christmas Eve, what Jews do on Christmas, what to do with kids Christmas NYC, what to do with kids on Christmas in New York, what to teach Jewish kids about Christmas

My California adventure ( with photos!)

Posted on December 2, 2013 | 3 comments

Hiking Runyon Canyon with kids on carpoolcandy.com

Can you find the Hollywood sign?

We just returned from a week with family in California. You know with family, sometimes it’s great… and sometimes you need a triple dose of Xanax.

This year, we had a terrific time. Two of my closest friends live in West Hollywood so I get girl time while Wilson and the fellas watch football. We had dinner at Umame Burger at The Grove, a sprawling outdoor mall that satisfies every need from eating, to shopping, to movies, not to mention supreme people watching.

Umame burger-yum!

You haven’t lived until you’ve seen the 15th impossibly tall, wanna-be actress donning the skinniest of jeans and giant designer sunglasses, toting her chihuahua under one arm, and iPhone and shopping bags in the other.

I also love the holiday displays in LA. Santa sits in a heap of fake snow as holiday lights twinkle from palm trees. Ah Hollywood kitsch.

On Sunday, we gathered up the kids, my friends, and my brother and hiked Runyon Canyon to see the gorgeous views of the city. It was the perfect activity for all ages and athletic aptitudes.

Wilson’s aunt and uncle live in Orange County so we stayed at their house for the rest of the week. 14 people and 4 dogs in one house keeps things interesting. There’s basically no escape. Everyone is in your bidness. Every meal is a production, and so many opinions and needs means we often take hours to decide what to do.

Tuesday we made our annual pilgrimage to Disneyland, where we had on off day.

It started off ok, as you can see from this flattering Splash Mountain photo. Can’t tell if that scream is panic or delight….

We didn’t plan well and had some bad ride karma. We were there for 10 hours but only went on 4 rides… although we did 3 of them twice. (Don’t ask!)

Too much standing and waiting made us cranky and tired.

One of my favorite rides is the Indiana Jones Adventure, but while we were smack in the middle of Indy’s journey, the ride stalled for a good 15 minutes. We were stuck in our jeep as the lights went up, revealing stark black walls that only moments before felt like a scary trip through the jungle.

Stuck on Indiana Jones ride Disneyland on carpoolcandy.com

Waiting in dark for ride to start

We had to finish the ride surrounded by bright lights and no sound– a bizarre behind-the-scenes look that demystified the experience. We did get a repeat ride once it started up again, but it wasn’t quite the same.

We waited online for the new Cars ride at the California Adventure park and after 90+ minutes in line they announced the ride was closed due to mechanical difficulties. By that point I wanted to run someone over.

Cars ride Disneyland California Adventure on carpoolcandy.com

The ride that wasn’t meant to be

Then we ran back to Tomorrowland to make our FastPass for Space Mountain and just as we got to the front of the line, they announced it was closed due to “guest issues,” which apparently translates to somebody losing their lunch during flight.

We were not feeling the Mickey Magic.

Disney disappointment aside, it was still a fun week of togetherness. Wine flowed freely, Wilson and I got in a few sunny runs, and I saw two movies. (Caught up on Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine. Cate Blanchett is amazing and the story compelling, but don’t go for the laughs. Dallas Buyers Club is also rather dark but Matthew McConaughey is better than ever and the story inspires.)

The kids loved playing with their cousins, and we all ate ourselves silly on Thanksgiving. Our Aunt Ruthie slaves for days to create a traditional, delicious meal, with two turkeys (one baked, the other fried) and stupendous sides from marshmallow-topped sweet potatoes to my favorite creamed corn.

Cousin Jeremy stuffs his plate

….10 minutes later. Seconds?!

As the week came to an end, the kids begged us to change our flights to stay an extra day. We wanted to, but it would only prolong the sad goodbye. The boys’ spirits were lifted by DirectTV at their seats on the flight home. Nothing like inappropriate movies and unlimited soda to plaster a smile on a young boy’s face.

And just like that, vacation was over.

The house is a mess, the kids scrambled to finish homework they neglected, my packed suitcase is still sitting on the bedroom floor. Back to work tomorrow and a week filled with meetings, doctor appointments, carpools, holiday prep.

Makes waiting in line at Disneyland seem like, well, Disneyland.

Reality bites.

What was your holiday highlight? Tell me in the comments.

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Posted in Modern Life, Travel

Tagged best family life blog, Cars long line California Adventure, Disneyland long lines, Disneyland nightmare, Disneyland ride broke, Disneyland ride problems, Disneyland tips, Disneyland with kids, family Thanksgiving blog, hiking Runyon Canyon with kids, holiday lights on palm trees LA, holidays in LA, Indian Jones ride problems Disneyland, Ride stops Disneyland, southern california with kids, Space Mountain closes Disneyland, too many rides break Disneyland, Umame burger LA with kids, what to do in LA with kids, what to do with different age kids LA

Amazing coincidence or divine intervention?

Posted on November 17, 2013 | 10 comments

Last week, I wrote an opinion piece that was published on Foxnews.com about what Veterans Day means to me. And then something amazing happened.

Loyal Candy readers might recognize that the story was a reworked version of a blog post I wrote for Memorial Day about my father’s Navy service in Vietnam.

The piece was accompanied by a photo of the bracelet my father wore from 1967-1973 bearing the name of a POW shot down in Vietnam. He wore it until the man– Commander Robert Doremus– returned home. My father wrote a letter to Cdr. Doremus when he returned safely, telling him what wearing the bracelet meant to him and thanking him for his service and incredible sacrifice.

My father died in 1993 so I can’t ask him details about that time, or if he ever got a response from Cdr. Doremus.

I Googled Doremus, but there were several others who share his name, and I couldn’t determine where he lived or even if he was still alive. When I sent the piece to Fox News, I knew it would get thousands of views and secretly hoped his family would see it and be able to fill in some blanks.

That’s why I wasn’t completely surprised when I got a comment on my blog from Doremus’ daughter, Barbara, the day after the story appeared. A friend of hers had seen my story and posted the link on Facebook asking her if she was any relation to the name on the bracelet.

She made a comment on my blog (there was a link to my blog at the end of the Fox piece) and asked if we could get in touch. Within hours, we exchanged emails and became Facebook friends. It was surreal to look at her Facebook page and read the thread about finding the story and wanting to contact me.

We spoke on the phone a few days later and there was an immediate intimacy I wouldn’t normally feel with a stranger. But through social media, we had learned a little about each other’s lives, and we had this shared meaningful experience.

Turns out, Barbara’s dad is still alive and nearly 80 years old. She called to tell him about the story but he had not seen it and promised to look for it online.

His war story is even more fascinating than I knew. He was shot down and declared dead for more than a year. Then a photo of him surfaced and the military changed his status from KIA to POW. He was held in Vietnam for 8 years before returning home.

courtesy Barbara Doremus

I would love to know if he remembered my father’s letter or the bracelet. Thanks to the internet, I may find out.

Many on Barbara’s Facebook page read the story and said they got goosebumps. “What a small world!” was a common refrain.

It’s actually a huge world, but the internet can make it shrink.

I often resent the intrusiveness of the web and criticize social media for the self-indulgence it encourages. But this story– and the speed with which we daughters connected– is a tale of technology-done-good.

This week marks the 20th anniversary of my father’s death. Coincidence that this all happened so close to the milestone? I’m not so sure.

Although she lives in Florida, Facebook will help me keep in touch with Barbara, and hopefully her father. Dad would have loved that.

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Posted in I'm a Sap, Modern Life, Social Media

Tagged Commander Robert Doremus story, connecting over POW bracelet, Facebook brings people together, former POW Robert Doremus, good Facebook story, happy Facebook ending, my dad wore POW bracelet, Navy Captain Robert Doremus story, pilot shot down in Vietnam story, POW bracelets, social media brings people together, social media connects people, social media makes world small, strangers meet on Facebook, Veterans day blog, Vietnam POW story, Vietnam veteran's daughter blog

Stretching my patience: can yoga help my parenting?

Posted on November 14, 2013 | Comments Off

I recently had an epiphany in yoga class.

Moving through the different poses, willingly stretching and contorting my body, I tried to let stress and negative thoughts temporarily melt away. When I’m able to focus on proper positioning and breathing, I get the most out of the experience.

I often practice in about 95-degree heat, which loosens my muscles and allows me to go further into poses, testing balance and endurance. Teachers calmly urge us to push through resistance to achieve the best form.

We were doing a posture called pigeon, which requires you to bend one leg in front of you—shin parallel to the mat– and slide the other leg straight behind. If you can manage that, the next step is to reach your torso forward and rest your cheek on the floor. It’s not easy, but if I can get there it’s an incredible hip opener.

While you’d think my inner dialogue during this pretzel would be profanity-laced, I was surprisingly tranquil and in the moment. I tried to fixate on how each part of my body was positioned, and slowly attempted to stretch deeper into the pose.

As I pushed through discomfort, the teacher encouragingly suggested we let go of any tension. It sounds so simple, but unless you really focus on surrendering the strain, you get caught up in the pain. If you can— even just for a few moments– resist the temptation to squeeze and tense your muscles and just give in, you can actually ease into the pose.

If I can get there mentally, and then physically yield, it’s ephemeral euphoria.

After a few brief but glorious moments, a switch went off in my head and I was aware of the pain and had to readjust.

But as I was trying to override the resistance, I discovered a metaphor for parenting. Often at the end of the day, when I’m tired and my boys (ages 8, 10 and 13) are being sassy and my patience level is low, they start pushing my buttons.

I should be the mature adult who sets a better example of how to act. But when they’re simultaneously barking dinner orders at me; avoiding homework; and tossing a football in the family room, knowing full well that’s against house rules….my composure flies out the window.

If I scold them too harshly, I feel crappy. There’s very little satisfaction in telling off your kids. It’s not like standing up for yourself against a boss or friend who’s done you wrong. You don’t feel empowered, you just feel like a heel.

So while reaching my heels to my mat in down dog, I realized I need to take the Zen attitude I bring to yoga into my parenting.

Easier said than done, I know.

But if I can trick my mind into believing my limbs are not on fire, I certainly can find a way to abandon my ego and avoid the temptation to snap at my kids when tensions are high.

Breathing helps. Yogis often emphasize the importance of deep steady breaths. Taking a couple of soothing breaths—and maybe even closing my eyes—when the kids are unruly may ward off a mommy meltdown.

If calm talking and breathing doesn’t work, I can always try standing on my head to get their attention.

What do you do to avoid losing it on your kids? Tell me in the comments.

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Posted in Low Parenting Moments, Modern Life

Tagged avoiding mom meltdown, better mom yoga, kids push buttons, learning to parent from yoga, losing it on kids, parents find Zen, pigeon pose in yoga, remaining calm with kids, resisting pain in yoga, use yoga for better parenting, yoga blog, yoga calming

Teaching empathy to kids is no easy task

Posted on October 23, 2013 | 7 comments

If you asked me to name the qualities I most want to instill in my children, empathy would be in the top three.

In my youth, like most kids, I cared mostly about myself and how everything affected me. But as I got older and saw more of the world, I began to understand how lucky I was to grow up safe, loved, and wanting for very little. When I had three healthy children who opened my heart, I learned new depths of gratitude.

When looking for a place to live, Wilson and I chose a town where our kids would meet all kinds of people with different backgrounds and experiences. We donate to charity and volunteer for several organizations, sometimes with the kids. At holiday time, we give gifts to a family who can’t afford them.

I watch the news with my boys (ages 13, 10, and 7) most nights and try to talk to them about other places in the world where kids don’t have access to food, clean water, and an education. They wonder how those kids live without an Xbox.

I hope it’s sinking in, but you just never know.

I’d like my children to occasionally do things out of the goodness of their hearts, not because they feel forced. I’d like them to think about the feelings of others when making decisions.

Their empathy will increase as they mature and their brains are less wired to self-absorption. But sometimes it feels like a personal failure when my boys are mean to another kid, ignore cruelty by others, or act unsympathetic towards a stranger.

This week, 7-year-old Eli accompanied me to Trader Joe’s. He LOVES to use those mini shopping carts and help me check out. As I was bagging my groceries, an elderly woman stood behind Eli, watching him furiously unloading our cart onto the checkout counter. Smiling ear to ear, she started chatting with him and marveling at his eagerness to help. We exchanged some cute banter about how fortunate I am to have my own professional, handsome checkout boy.

As I was paying, the woman moved to another aisle to check out. I whispered to Eli that he should go help her unload her cart. At first he looked confused, wondering why he would help a stranger. I explained to him that she was older and needed assistance, and would get a kick out of his gesture. He shrugged his shoulders and went over to help her.

I was busy checking out and loading my bags, but when I looked over to walk out, Eli had put all her groceries on the counter and the woman was beaming. As we exited the store I got a warm feeling inside. Eli grinned as he strutted to the car. I told him how pleased I was that he helped the woman:

“Didn’t it feel good to be nice and help someone? She’ll probably go back home and tell all her friends about the adorable little boy who unloaded her groceries. I’m so proud of you for helping!” I cried.

He kept smiling as he pulled a crisp dollar bill from his pocket. “She gave me this!!!” he shouted with glee.

My heart sank.

That little stinker was giddy because his selfless deed was rewarded with cash!

Was the empathy message lost in the excitement of spending plans for his new fortune?

I hope not.

I’d like to think Eli would have been just as happy leaving the store, knowing he helped someone, even if his pocket was empty.

But I’m not so sure.

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Posted in Joys of Parenting, Kids and Money, Kids manners, Modern Life

Tagged best family life blog, empathy lessons for kids, kid life lessons, kids and money, kids helping elderly, teaching kids empathy, teaching kids good deeds

Everything you wanted to know about swingers …but were afraid to ask

Posted on October 20, 2013 | 1 comment

I found out firsthand this week that sex really does sell.

I reviewed a new book for the Associated Press called “Swingland: Between the Sheets of the Secretive, Sometimes Messy, but Always Adventurous Swinging Lifestyle,” by Daniel Stern.

It’s a compelling memoir by a single guy who broke into the tight-knit subculture of swingers. Most people think swingers are couples who swap partners. “Swingland” gave me quite an education, and I learned that swinging, or participating in “the Lifestyle,” as they call it, means you are open to sex with multiple partners at once, with no strings attached. No names, no small talk, just a lot of fornication, in many inventive ways.

My review got picked up by a lot of big-name news sites so I tweeted the author with a link to it. He appreciated my take on his book and messaged me via Twitter to let me know. I was pleasantly surprised by his reaction because my honest review was no puff piece, but to his credit he said he agreed with my compliments and criticisms.

By the time the review had been out for a day or so I received this message from Mr. Stern: “I’m quite certain your review caused a surge on Amazon. Thank you! The sales ranking was at like 15k. Now it’s 1,200.”

While I’d love to say it was my stellar review writing, let’s face it, people are fascinated by the sex lives of others. The swinging community exists underground and it’s rare that people get a window into their world. Good for Stern for documenting it and having the courage to share. He says in the book that he was worried about the reaction from Lifestyle devotees, but he treats them with respect, and I’ve already seen some advocating the book on social media.

Here’s an excerpt from my review:

The book is full of comical anecdotes, including two injuries Stern sustained while in the throes of passion. But his ability to laugh at himself and the absurdity of some situations helps create a bond with the reader.

A self-proclaimed average Joe in looks and prowess, Stern suggests that you don’t have to be a male model or porn star to participate in the “Lifestyle.” Dissatisfied with his lack of experience and poor performance under pressure, he got into swinging as a way to conquer his angst.

“I was demystifying the act of sex … chipping away at the fear it held over me … I’d escaped the performance-hindering anxiety and understood sex for what it was: fun,” he writes.

Breaking into swinging circles isn’t an easy task. The group has its own rules and lexicon — and is fiercely self-protective. It takes Stern about two years of cruising websites, networking and successful encounters to build up a roster of partners to meet for “playtime.” As he racks up the “certs” (positive certifications or testimonials) from former lovers on his website profiles, his dance card stays full, playing as often as three times a week.

But happy endings aren’t always guaranteed. Stern confides one of the hazards of swinging: “unrelenting, soul-crushing, suicide-inducing rejection.” Once he becomes indoctrinated, he enjoys the variety and unpredictability, and finds it difficult to go back to a “Vanilla” life.

You can read more here.

Does it pique your interest? Would you read it? Let me know in the comments…

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Posted in Book Reviews, Modern Life

Tagged book about the Lifestyle, books about multiple partner sex, Daniel Stern author, how to be a swinger book, how to swing book, memoir about swingers, swinger lifestyle book, swingland book review, swingland on Amazon, Swingland review

My guiltiest pleasure and other personal tidbits

Posted on October 17, 2013 | 2 comments

Good news! One of the cool bloggers I met at BlogHer13 last summer was kind enough to nominate me for a blogging award called the Liebster. I’ve never heard of it, but who am I to turn down an award nomination?

(It’s an honor to be nominated…I’d like to thank the academy…you like me you really like me…this moment is so much bigger than me…I’m king of the world!….my blog is great but really Beyonce’s blog should have won…)

You get the point.

Now I must pay it forward. First, I answer 10 questions posed by the nominator, the always amiable Amy of amynameisamy.com/. You should check out her blog here because she’s a terrific writer (I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it) who shares my affection for TV and pop culture, and offers relatable insight about her experiences with divorce and being single again, and as a mom of four kids.

Next, I pass on the love to other bloggers whom I admire and nominate them for this mysterious Liebster award. Hopefully it starts a chain of happy reading. You might find a new favorite blogger, and some hardworking bloggers may get much deserved recognition.

So here we go. I hope my answers will enlighten and/or entertain.

How did you pick your blog’s name?

Carpool Candy was once a column on AOL/Patch.com before I turned it into a blog. I wanted to come up with a memorable name, I’ve always loved alliteration, and I wanted it to say what I write about. Carpool covers the family life, and candy covers the pop culture. I also liked that the message was sweet.

Knowing what you know now, what advice would you give your 13-year-old self?

I’d tell myself to relax and not worry so much about what people think. I’d also tell me—just like my dad used to—that there was a great guy out there somewhere brushing his teeth, watching the Brady Bunch, and arguing with his parents just like I was…and when the time was right I would meet him. That’s you, Wilson. If I had believed my dad, it would have saved me a lot of heartache.

What’s your favorite TV show?

Tough to pick one, so here are some of my greatest hits: Family Ties, 30something, West Wing, Oprah, Sex and the City, Sopranos, Friends, Friday Night Lights, Mad Men, Modern Family, New Girl…I should probably stop now.

What are four things you cannot live without?

Things, not people, right? TV, Lip balm, yoga, chocolate.

Who is your favorite fictional character?

In TV, I’d have to say Mary Richards from the old Mary Tyler Moore show and Scarlett O’Hara.

What is your most prized possession?

I have a really nice watch that I love. It’s classic and makes me feel like a grown up. Wilson and I split the cost of it many years ago. I saved money from my paycheck, and he chipped in his winnings from a March Madness rotisserie pool.

Describe yourself in three words.

Ugh, how stressful. Mom, wife, journalist or loyal, creative, fun

What is your guiltiest pleasure?

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Twitter, and dessert every night

What single quality do you most appreciate in people?

Genuineness

What’s your favorite post that you’ve written? (Link, please!)

The Memorial Day one remembering my dad’s Naval service in Vietnam was one I’m proud of and I love that I had vintage photos and a letter from my dad to support it. You can read it here.

Now it’s my turn to nominate some bloggers I love. I think you’re supposed to nominate those with smaller followings but in the spirit of keeping it real I’m going to nominate the blogs I actually take time to read because they’re that good:

— http://dishuponastar.blogspot.com/ ….(extremely honest take on celebrity gossip. informative and funny.)

—http://averagemomswearcapes.com/ …(mom/journalist who writes refreshingly honest posts about everything from raising boys to fitness to surviving what she affectionately calls, “the cansuh.”)

—http://www.raisingcolorado.com/ … (I don’t even know her, but I feel like I do because her writing is both intimate and hysterical. and she always has great pix to supplement. I can’t explain it, you have to be there. go now. read.)

— http://chewnibblenosh.com/ (this food blog is well written and demystifies cooking. it has easy to follow instructions on what’s for dinner and makes me feel like “I could make that!” instead of “that aint happenin.”)

— http://www.peachesandcoconuts.com/ …(can you tell I like funny writing? if you do too, try this blog on for size. she’s a slightly neurotic stay at home mom in a 2-mom family, and she’s not afraid of oversharing.)

Here are 10 questions I pose to the bloggers::

–what’s your favorite part of blogging?

–what part of blogging makes you want to tear your hair out or cry?

–who are your writing (or other) heroes?

–what is your fantasy job/aspiration?

–if you could have dinner with any 3 people living or dead, who would they be?

–what are three things you can’t live without?

–what is your guilty pleasure?

–describe your ideal weekend.

–what are your favorite magazines?

— which famous person bugs the crap out of you?

–share your favorite post that you’ve written and tell us why you dig it.

You can find more details on the Liebster Awards here. Do yourself a favor and take a minute to check out my recommended bloggers. It will be your good deed for the day. You might even thank me.

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Posted in Modern Life, Pop Culture Trends, Social Media

Tagged best blog about cancer survival, best cooking blog, best family life blog, best food blog, best humor blog, best pop culture blog, best surviving cancer blog, best unknown bloggers, best up and coming bloggers, funniest blog writing, Liebster award questions, Liebster award rules, whats for dinner blog

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